Post by Paul Hogan on Oct 28, 2006 18:45:27 GMT -5
AIRHEAD: (er*hed) n.What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
ALIEN: (a*lee*ann*) n. What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
AMNESIA: (am*nee*si*a) v. A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
ARGUMENT: (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right but he just hasn't realized it yet.
BABY: (bay*bee) n. 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BALANCE THE CHECKBOOK: (bal*ens da che*k*b*oo*k) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire".
BAR-BE-QUE: (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
BATHROOM: (Baf*roo*m*) n. a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning.
"BECAUSE": (bee*cos) av.: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: (be*d an*d Brek* fast*) n. Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
BLONDE JOKES: (blo*n*d joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
BOTTLE: (bo*tel) n. A device, which allows Daddy to get up at 3 am to do the feeding.
CANTALOUPE: (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CAR POOL: (ka*r p*ool) n. Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
CHILDBIRTH: (ch*eye*ld*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...breath...push...Good Girl!"
COOK: (k*oo*k) v. 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. n. 2) Mom's other name.
DEFENSE: (de*fen*ss*) n. What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de kids play outside.
DIET SODA: (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.
DROOLING: (droo*l*in*g) v. How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: (D*umm*b way*t*er) v. One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
DUST: (du*s*t*) n. Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
ENERGY: (en*er*gee) v. Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
ETERNITY: (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football/Cricket etc. game.
"EXCUSE ME": (ex*s*kue*z*me*) v. One of Mom's favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EXERCISE: (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
FABLE: (fa*b*l) n. A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FAMILY PLANNING: (fa*m*lee pla*nin*g) v. The science of scheduling dance lessons, music lessons, soccer practice, recitals, parties, doctor visits, PTA meetings, visits to friends, and 45 other things and making time to drive to all of them.
FEEDBACK: (fee*d b*a*ck) v. What you get when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained spinach.
FOOD: (f*oo*d) n. The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
FULL NAME: (f*oo*l n*ay*m) n. What you call a child when you're mad at him.
GARBAGE: (gar*ah*j) n. A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GRANDPARENTS: (gr*aa*n*d p*air*en*t*s*) n. The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HAIR DRESSER: (h*aire dres*er) n. Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".
HANDI-WIPES: (ha*n*d*e why*p*s) n. Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: (haa*n*ds) n. Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HEARSAY: (here*s*ay) n. What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
ICE: (eye*sss) n. Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
IMPREGNABLE: (im*preg*na*bull) v. A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: (in*dee*pen*d*ant) v. How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
"I SAID SO": (eye s*ed s*o) ad. Reason enough, according to Mum.
JUNK: (j*un*k) n. Dad/kids's stuff.
KETCHUP: (ket*ch*up) n. The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
LIPSTICK: (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
LOOK OUT: (l*oo*k ow*t) v. What it's too late for a child to do by the time you yell it.
MAKEUP: (may*k*up) n. Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."
MAYBE: (May*bee) v. Definitely not.
MILK: (m*ill*k) n. A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MUMMMMMMM!": (m*u*mmmmmmmm) n. The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
NO: (N*O) ad. I will think about it.
PANIC: (p*a*ni*k) n. What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
PUDDLE: (pu*d*l) n. A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: (oh*ver*st*uff*d re*cly*n*er*) n. Mom's nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: (pe*nit*en*tree) n. Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.
PIANO: (pee*an*o) n. A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: (p*err*sss) n. A handbag in which Mum carries the check book and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
REFRIGERATOR: (re*f*rid*jer*a*tor) n. Combination art gallery and air- conditioner for the kitchen.
RUBISH: (ru*b*ish) n. what dad/kid-s say-s
SCHOOL PLAY: (s*kool p*lay) n. Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.
SHOWOFF: (shh*oh o*ff) n. A child who is more talented than yours.
SNOWSUITS: (s*no s*oo*t) n. Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: (s*oh*p) n. A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: (ss*p*it) n. All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
STERILIZE: (st*er*e*l*i*zzz) n. What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: (st*or r*oo*m) n. The distance required between supermarket shelves so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
SUNDAY BEST: (s*un*d*a b*ess*t) n. Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: (te*m*p*er tan*tr*m*ss) n. What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TERRIBLE TWO'S: (te*ry*bull t*oo*s) n. Having both kids at home all summer.
TOP BUNK: (t*op b*u*nk) n. Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TROUBLE: (tr*u*bull) n. Area of non-specific space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: (um*p*t*een*fff) av. Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: (un*da*w*ere) n. An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
VALENTINE'S DAY: (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day ,when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
VERBAL: (v*ere*bull) n. Able to whine in complete words and repeat what they shouldn't.
VITAMINS: (vi*tum*inns) n. Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
WALLS: (w*all*z) n. Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: (wah*shin*g ma*sh*ee*n) n. Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
WATERPROOF MASCARA: (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
WHOOPS: (wh*oo*p*s) av. An exclamation that translates roughly into "Get a mop."
XOXOXOXO: (x*o*x*o*x*o*x*o) av. Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
YARD SALE: (yare*d s*ay*l) n. Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
"YIPPEE!": (y*ip*eee) av. What Mum would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.
ZILLION: (zil*e*yen) n. (See UMPTEENTH): The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
ZUCCHINI: (z*oo*k*ee*n*ee) n. Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
ALIEN: (a*lee*ann*) n. What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
AMNESIA: (am*nee*si*a) v. A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
ARGUMENT: (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right but he just hasn't realized it yet.
BABY: (bay*bee) n. 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BALANCE THE CHECKBOOK: (bal*ens da che*k*b*oo*k) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire".
BAR-BE-QUE: (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
BATHROOM: (Baf*roo*m*) n. a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning.
"BECAUSE": (bee*cos) av.: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: (be*d an*d Brek* fast*) n. Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
BLONDE JOKES: (blo*n*d joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
BOTTLE: (bo*tel) n. A device, which allows Daddy to get up at 3 am to do the feeding.
CANTALOUPE: (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
CAR POOL: (ka*r p*ool) n. Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
CHILDBIRTH: (ch*eye*ld*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...breath...push...Good Girl!"
COOK: (k*oo*k) v. 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. n. 2) Mom's other name.
DEFENSE: (de*fen*ss*) n. What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de kids play outside.
DIET SODA: (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.
DROOLING: (droo*l*in*g) v. How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: (D*umm*b way*t*er) v. One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
DUST: (du*s*t*) n. Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
ENERGY: (en*er*gee) v. Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
ETERNITY: (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football/Cricket etc. game.
"EXCUSE ME": (ex*s*kue*z*me*) v. One of Mom's favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EXERCISE: (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
FABLE: (fa*b*l) n. A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FAMILY PLANNING: (fa*m*lee pla*nin*g) v. The science of scheduling dance lessons, music lessons, soccer practice, recitals, parties, doctor visits, PTA meetings, visits to friends, and 45 other things and making time to drive to all of them.
FEEDBACK: (fee*d b*a*ck) v. What you get when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained spinach.
FOOD: (f*oo*d) n. The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
FULL NAME: (f*oo*l n*ay*m) n. What you call a child when you're mad at him.
GARBAGE: (gar*ah*j) n. A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GRANDPARENTS: (gr*aa*n*d p*air*en*t*s*) n. The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HAIR DRESSER: (h*aire dres*er) n. Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".
HANDI-WIPES: (ha*n*d*e why*p*s) n. Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: (haa*n*ds) n. Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HEARSAY: (here*s*ay) n. What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
ICE: (eye*sss) n. Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
IMPREGNABLE: (im*preg*na*bull) v. A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: (in*dee*pen*d*ant) v. How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
"I SAID SO": (eye s*ed s*o) ad. Reason enough, according to Mum.
JUNK: (j*un*k) n. Dad/kids's stuff.
KETCHUP: (ket*ch*up) n. The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
LIPSTICK: (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
LOOK OUT: (l*oo*k ow*t) v. What it's too late for a child to do by the time you yell it.
MAKEUP: (may*k*up) n. Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."
MAYBE: (May*bee) v. Definitely not.
MILK: (m*ill*k) n. A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MUMMMMMMM!": (m*u*mmmmmmmm) n. The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
NO: (N*O) ad. I will think about it.
PANIC: (p*a*ni*k) n. What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
PUDDLE: (pu*d*l) n. A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: (oh*ver*st*uff*d re*cly*n*er*) n. Mom's nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: (pe*nit*en*tree) n. Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.
PIANO: (pee*an*o) n. A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: (p*err*sss) n. A handbag in which Mum carries the check book and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
REFRIGERATOR: (re*f*rid*jer*a*tor) n. Combination art gallery and air- conditioner for the kitchen.
RUBISH: (ru*b*ish) n. what dad/kid-s say-s
SCHOOL PLAY: (s*kool p*lay) n. Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.
SHOWOFF: (shh*oh o*ff) n. A child who is more talented than yours.
SNOWSUITS: (s*no s*oo*t) n. Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: (s*oh*p) n. A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: (ss*p*it) n. All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
STERILIZE: (st*er*e*l*i*zzz) n. What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: (st*or r*oo*m) n. The distance required between supermarket shelves so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
SUNDAY BEST: (s*un*d*a b*ess*t) n. Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: (te*m*p*er tan*tr*m*ss) n. What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TERRIBLE TWO'S: (te*ry*bull t*oo*s) n. Having both kids at home all summer.
TOP BUNK: (t*op b*u*nk) n. Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TROUBLE: (tr*u*bull) n. Area of non-specific space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: (um*p*t*een*fff) av. Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: (un*da*w*ere) n. An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
VALENTINE'S DAY: (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day ,when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
VERBAL: (v*ere*bull) n. Able to whine in complete words and repeat what they shouldn't.
VITAMINS: (vi*tum*inns) n. Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
WALLS: (w*all*z) n. Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: (wah*shin*g ma*sh*ee*n) n. Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
WATERPROOF MASCARA: (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
WHOOPS: (wh*oo*p*s) av. An exclamation that translates roughly into "Get a mop."
XOXOXOXO: (x*o*x*o*x*o*x*o) av. Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
YARD SALE: (yare*d s*ay*l) n. Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
"YIPPEE!": (y*ip*eee) av. What Mum would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.
ZILLION: (zil*e*yen) n. (See UMPTEENTH): The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
ZUCCHINI: (z*oo*k*ee*n*ee) n. Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.